Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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