You work out of a Hotel?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
