I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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