Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
