don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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