everyone is single if you try hard enough
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
