Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Life is so much better after having sex.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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