Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
