It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
do herpes really smell.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
