The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
