Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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