I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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