I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
