I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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