Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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