i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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