My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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