i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
