I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
