i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
