ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
