got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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