Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize