do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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