Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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