Please don't use social media to get back at me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
