Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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