wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
where are my eyebrows?
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