She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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