What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
