Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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