i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
