i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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