Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
