Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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