She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I want to be your penis for a week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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