she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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