the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize