fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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