I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
