the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
