Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I need to calm my uterus...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Help. Why am I so naked?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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