how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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