God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
