your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I did not marry a roomba.
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