After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
