Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
