Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
