I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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