I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She bit a glass in half.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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