Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Fuck appropriateness.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
