I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
