By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
