The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
