Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
