Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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