i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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