wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
